How To Buy Your Wife A Christmas Present
If you want to make sure your husband gets you a gift this holiday season that you won’t have to pretend to like (or even be able to identify), make half a dozen copies of this article and place one in all of his favorite spots around the house. Just make sure he can’t say he didn’t see it.
Guys, let’s face facts – when it comes to holiday gift giving, your natural instincts are all wrong. It’s not your fault, its just part of your DNA (Deficit of Natural shopping Ability). But don’t worry, you can overcome this shortcoming and find the perfect present for your wife this year if you follow these ten little steps:
1. Make a list of all the things you’ve been thinking of getting her. When you are through, light the list on fire and toss it into the fireplace. Make sure the flue is open.
2. Think harder and make another list. Spend some time on it. More time than, say, the commercial break during a typical football game. Good. Now, look over the list and mark out anything that: (a) requires an extension cord, (b) you’d enjoy using as much or more than she would (and yes, this includes sexy lingerie), (c) can only be purchased in a hardware store or gas station, or (d) in any way implies that you don’t like her body, her hair, or her mother. If there’s anything left on the list, mark it out too.
3. Excellent! Now we’re getting somewhere. This time, make a list of what your wife enjoys doing in her spare time. When she’s not working or raising the kids or doing chores or returning the gifts you got her for her birthday. Add as many things as you can; try to get the list up to at least two items.
4. When she’s out of the house, snoop around a little. Are there candles in the bathroom? What seems to be her favorite scent in body oils and lotions? What books does she read? Does she have a Harley Davidson you’ve never seen before hidden in the garage under a tarp? By doing a little research you can narrow down her list of interests.
5. Grab the list and head to the mall. That’s right, the mall. Once you get inside, take a deep breath and repeat this mantra: "I am man enough to shop, I am man enough to shop…" Once you are centered, look for stores that might carry items to match your list. Go inside one. Stand there for a few minutes to build your strength because you are going to have to ask for help. It’s okay, no one here knows you, so you’ll be safe. Now go up to the sales clerk and ask your question: "My wife likes scuba-diving, John Grisham novels and vanilla hand lotion. Can you help me?" Once she gets done laughing, she’ll track down just the right thing.
6. Have the gift wrapped at the store. Don’t tell yourself you can wrap it cheaper. . Even you don’t believe you’d do it.
7. Hide the gift for ten days to two weeks. Then, and this is important, take it back. Your first attempt at gift giving will never be right. And if you return the gift now, your wife will never know what an awful mistake you almost made.
8. A few days before Christmas (not the night before, got it?), ask your wife what she wants. Don’t let her say something like "Anything you want to get me will be fine." That’s a lie and she’ll hold it over your for the rest of your life if you actually believe her. Do what you have to – withhold chocolate, sing that song that makes every dog in the neighborhood howl, threaten to invite your Cousin Earl the wrestler for the holidays – to get her to give you at least one specific gift choice.
9. Get her exactly what she wants. It doesn’t matter what it costs. Put a card on the gift that says, "There’s no gift that could ever equal my love for you." Ask one of your children to read it out loud to you several times so you won’t burst out laughing when your wife reads it aloud at Christmas.
10. And, because more than anything women enjoy being surprised, give your wife her gift in some exotic place. Your mom’s house doesn’t count. I’m thinking more like Paris or Cancun.
Follow these ten little steps and I guarantee you, this will be a holiday to remember. In a good way, I mean.
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