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The Feng Shui Diet:

It’s Not What You Eat, But Where You Eat It

During the course of my life, I’ve tried almost every diet that’s come around. There was the cottage cheese diet (which, I am sure, is responsible for the fact that my thighs now look like cottage cheese), the grapefruit diet, the zodiac diet (eat right for your astrological sign), the eat only what you can pronounce diet … You name it, I’ve done it!

And of course, you know how well these diets have worked for me, right? About as well as they’ve worked for you! That’s why, I am happy to announce that I have developed my own foolproof diet plan – a diet guaranteed to take the weight off because you’ll be so busy laughing, the food will never make it into your mouth!

I call my new diet "The Feng Shui Diet (pronounced "di-et")" and as you can probably tell from the name, it is based in part on the concepts of Feng Shui that are popular in home décor. I figured if the way you arrange your furniture can affect your happiness and fortune, surely it can help you lose weight, too.

The first concept you should be familiar with is Yin and Yang. Yin is associated with small, cold, dark, wet things, much like that that bunch of asparagus you bought two months ago and hid in the bottom of your cold, dark, wet vegetable drawer where it has been creating new life forms and plotting the overthrow of the government. Yang, on the other hand, is associated with light, hot things, such as the entire meal that went up in flames as your spouse test-fired his new BBQ. In the Feng Shui Diet, a balanced meal has nothing to do with eating the right amount of protein, carbohydrates, and chocolate, and everything to do with eating equal amounts of dark wet and light hot things. A bowl of spicy chili and a Jello™ pudding pop are a perfect Yin/Yang combination.

Then comes the most important concept for The Feng Shui Diet: the five elements -- Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal, and Water. Now you don’t have to eat something from every category; that’s just silly (and if you ever got splinters in your lips as a child, you know what I mean!). But, in order for my diet to work, you must make sure to eat one meal in or near each of the elements. For example, no matter what you eat or how much, you will never gain weight if you eat breakfast at your wooden kitchen table, eat your mid-morning snack next to a candle or housefire, have a picnic lunch on the ground, eat dinner standing over your stainless steel kitchen sink, and devour your evening snack while bathing or showering.

Last, but not least, there’s the "Bagua Map," which in my diet plan replaces the Food Pyramid. You use the Bagua Map to divide your house into areas, and as long as you eat the proper food in the proper area, you’ll stay as slim and youthful as you were yesterday! The areas and their corresponding food types are:

Health & Family (where you eat things that are good for you, like cruciferous vegetables and tofu);

Creativity & Children (pizza, macaroni and cheese, and anything with Pokemon on it);

Knowledge & Self Cultivation (food you grow and make yourself, such as zucchini, zucchini, and more zucchini);

Fame & Reputation (eat like famous people -- celery and rice cakes);

Love & Marriage (foods that were popular with your parents, such as pot roast, potatoes, and martinis);

Career (bagels and coffee);

Health & Prosperity (expensive foods like caviar and breakfast cereal); and

Travel (things you can eat while driving and things that come in cups too large for your cupholder);

Those are the basic concepts and rules for the Feng Shui Diet. However, if you’d like to lose weight faster, you can try these advanced methods:

Paint your dining room red, which will make your fat cells angry. And, as everyone knows, an angry fat cell burns more calories than a happy fat cell.

Place a large mirror inside your refrigerator. This will make it seem like you’re serving yourself twice as much as you really are.

Eat your heaviest meals (usually, breakfast, lunch, and dinner) while sitting under wind chimes. Wind chimes stimulate good chi, and good chi is what moves that cheesecake from your thighs to places it won’t show, like your feet. If loud enough, wind chimes will also prevent you from falling asleep after a big meal. If you don’t have wind chimes, a Kenny G CD works almost as well.

I guarantee my diet plan is the funniest one on the market! Try it and see.

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